"Kissing Cousins"

Why do I always feel like I need to shower after watching Jersey Shore?

Snooki found out that she "hooked up" with two guys who were cousins. She proudly proclaims that her vagina hurts. Her parents must be so proud. It must be a dream come true to have your daughter fucking people on television. I didn't say person. I said people. As in more than one. She's so awesome.

Sammi returns. I'm so shocked. I thought she left the show. When the cameras followed her home didn't give it away at all. The girl is a nightmare. She is the perfect example of what is wrong with every girl today. Listen to me ladies: You don't have to made a big deal about every damn thing. Not everything is the guys fault. He doesn't have to baby you. If you want to find self worth, do something worthwhile. Stop being so dramatic.

Ronnie is a typical asshole. She should have left his ass after he trashed her room. Something tells me these two love birds will be back together before the end of next episode.

Why is Deena on the show?

The best part of last night's episode was when Mike sent Snooki and Deen ato Times Square. That was a great prank. I have to admit, I think the guy is a moron, but he's smarter than I thought. He comes up with some good ones.

Vinny is a good guy at heart who wants to be a pig like Mike, but just can't because he was raised with morals.

But Pauly is my favorite. He just cracks me up. The whole "I'm mad at you" bit was priceless.

"Switching Gears"

This week's episode of Teen Mom 2 made me fall asleep. The only thing that made it even worth watching was when Corey asked Leah to marry him by putting the ring on a fishing pole. Yes, I said fishing pole. That was the most glorious proposal I've ever seen. The way he was smiling made me all melty inside. You could tell that he was so proud for thinking that up all by himself. I loved the way that everyone Leah told called Corey a redneck. I'm glad I'm not the only one that was thinking it.

Jenelle's mom Barb seemed to be on some kind of downer or something. This was the first time I've: A. Seen her sit down for more than one second and B. Act like a mother. I'm glad to see Blue Shirt mad it's appearance. He's like a cast member. I hope he's getting his fair share of the royalties, too.

Kailyn and Chelsea made me fall asleep.

Chelsea's dad seems like a nice enough guy, but he's such a pushover that it's easy to see why Chelsea is the way she is. Adam is a douchbag. I imagine his parents watch this show and want to die from embarassment. In this episode we learned that he: Sleeps until 4 pm everyday and spends the time he is awake working on his car. I can see the attraction, Chelsea. Makes me want to jump his bones.

Last episode he said he paid $300 a month child support (which Chlesea has to remind him he was behind on.) Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he sign away his rights on 16 and Pregnant? If he did then why is he paying child support?

I think Adam may be the biggest douchbag to ever be on Teen Mom  MTV television this planet. He is a dipshit. The whole Meghan moving out fiasco is totally Adam's fault. I loved that he was calling her a loser for not paying rent, when he doesn't pay rent either. Or child support for his own child. My opinion of Chlsea sunk lower than I ever thought possible when she allowed Adam to bully Meghan into leaving. I wanted to jump through the screen and slap Chlesea silly. I don't think it was a coincidence that he wanted to get back with her after she started taping a wildly popular MTV show. I can't believe that Chelsea is so desperate she doesn't see that. Her dad outweighs the guy by about 500 pounds, why doesn't he just kick his ass? That should be a Teen Mom Special. (I'm looking at you MTV. Cagefight. I want to see it. Now)

Also, where is her mother? Why do we only see her dad? Does she not approve of her daughter being on a TV show that glorifies teen pregnancy?

Kailyn, Kailyn, Kailyn... you bore me to death. I think you need to get pregnant to spice up your story line and secure your spot on next season. Or not. It's your future.

I do have to say I'm impressed that she's going to school and trying to make something of herself. I also think she has serious attachment issues (wonder why?) (answer: her mother). She seemed to want "Jo" until he wanted her. Then she was all like 'I don't need you. I'm going to do it on my own.'

Does Jo ever smile? I saw him try to smile once when his dad cracked a joke, but I've never seen him smile. Does he even have teeth?

This Can't Be Unseen

My heroes over at Radar Online got their hands on some naked pictures of Amber Portwood from Teen Mom. They were nice enought to share them with the world.

Now I realize Amber has lots a bunch of weight, and must look a lot better nekked than she used to, but no good can come of this. Listen to me closely teen girls of America: nothing good happens when you take naked pictures of yourself. Nothing. All that happens is they end up in the wrong hands and the entire world sees them. (Dont' believe me? Look at the picture above. Do you think she intended for anyone to see that?)

Amber Portwood is the Brittiney Spears of the Teen Mom world. Somebody help this girl before we all go blind.

Nene's Famous

Apparently Celebrity Apprentice has a hard time finding famous people who are willing to make an ass out of themselves on national TV just so they can give the money away for charity. They have had some really famous people on, like Jennie Finch, Tiffany Fallon, Annie Duke, Herschel Walker... come to think of it, Nene Leakes might be the most famous person to be on Celebrity Apprentice. Ever.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Why is Kailyn's baby-daddy "Jo" so angry. I searched the internet and I couldn't find one single picture of him smiling. I looked back over my DVRed episodes of Teen Mom 2 (don't judge me) and I only saw one time where he half smiled. One time. This is the closest thing I can find to a smile:

Just warms your heart, doesn't it? It's like, what do you have to be upset about you oger? I realize you have problems now. But that didn't happen until after the taping of this season. What is your excuse? He walks around with a pouty face like someone killed his dog. Cheer up little friend, you're on a highly successful MTV show. Life could be a lot worse. You could have been cast on A Shot At Love. Then I would have understood your anger.

Maci, What Have You Done?!?!

Maci is one of my favorite Teen Mom's. She snagged a hot guy to be her baby-daddy (even if he does yawn too much). She seems to be a great mom. I've always thought she had a great head on her shoulders. But then I saw this atrocity:


Now, I am not against tattoos by any means. I love me a good tattoo. "Good" being the operative word here. Something tells me little Bentley (Bint-Lee?) got his hands on a tattoo gun and went to town on mama's back. I'm going to assume that this design has something to do with her last name, which is reportedly Bookout. But that page is rippped out of a notebook, and the Os is book have been replaced with cupcakes. Who? What? I can't even make sense of this nightmare of a tattoo. Somebody help me out here.

There Are No Words...

I. Am. Speechless.